Tourist Magazine

DEAR roommate,
Today you flew back from Spring Break, and there are some things I feel I should explain about what happened while you were gone and why our room looks the way it does.

I want to start by saying that I really thought that our sink had a garbage disposal. If I had known that in fact it did not, I’m confident that I would have made different choices as to what—(and what not!!!)—to put in it. Of course I would have thrown out those old socks in the garbage can, had I known that they were going to plug up the sink that way. I guess I figured it was better to try and really get rid of them than to let them sit and stink up the garbage (since it is your week to change the trash and I know you wouldn’t be back for another 8 days). As it turns out, they only smelled worse once they got wet (haha!!!)!!! Unfortunately there was already some chili in the sink that wasn’t fit to eat (long story!!!), and, as you have probably noticed, the pungent duet of sock and chili isn’t exactly a perfume I’d like to wear!!! I guess the socks backed up the pipes or something, ‘cause a whole bunch of that chili started gurgling up through the drain… nothing I could do but stand and watch. By now you’ve probably already identified it as the culprit of the mess all over the kitchen floor… but you must admit that it has really diffused nicely with the additional flooding from the bathroom mishap (more on that in a minute).

A care package came from your Mom, which I opened in error, and then consumed in weakness. In my defense, I know that you have been watching your weight lately, so I wanted to “eliminate the temptation” as they say, by eating all the high-calorie treats. I left the dried apricots for you (not a fan), but ended up just throwing out all that milk chocolate (you know I’m a “dark chocolate person” and milk chocolate has got a heck of a lot of fat in it, anyway!!!). She sent you a big bottle of Vitamin C pills, which I opened for you—lucky that I did, as it turns out!!!—and you’re NEVER going to believe this, but there was a little packet of poison right on top! No, I’m serious! It was called “silica”, and it said to throw it out immediately and not to consume it (no shit, Sherlock!!!), so naturally I sealed the bottle (with its poison!) in a ziplock and threw the whole thing out. I guess you really can’t be too careful these days! Also in the package was a beautiful leather box with your Grandmother’s wedding ring! I tried it on all of my fingers and it was too tight, and since I know that your fingers are all bigger than mine are, I had my friend who’s at a metalsmithing school melt it down for you into a nugget. I think he did a really nice job.

One of my good friends, Stan, had a real bad case of the Swine flu, and, since he couldn’t afford any big hospital bills right now, I let him lay low and sleep in your bed for most of last week. Poor guy—he somehow picked up a stomach bug just after he had finally gotten over the Swine (bad luck, right?!??), the results of which I haven’t completely cleaned up yet, but I’ll get right on that as soon as I get back from class today. He was so bored while he was sick, he made you a cake to thank you—its sitting on the counter!!! Isn’t that so sweet? I should also mention that I let him borrow your laptop for a few days since you weren’t using it. He said he’ll bring it back later tonight.

You’re probably wondering just what happened in the bathroom. Long story short, the toilet backed up when I accidentally dropped your retainer in it and flushed (don’t worry—I fished it out and rinsed it off!!!), so there was a significant amount of flooding from that, and then I got a little overzealous making wax candles in the sink, which, combined with the tar that I was using to make wheels for my model car, made a pretty stubborn substance that basically coated everything in the sink, on the counter, and on part of the floor. It even got in the shower, don’t ask me how!!! It dried and hardened before I got the chance to scrape it all off… then the retainer-in-the-toilet fiasco happened so it was pretty much a lost cause!!!

I know that the room looks like a real disaster right now. I’m not proud of this, but as they say, “ we live and we learn” right??! I even have a piece of good news for you: you are now thirty-five dollars richer! Crusty Consignment absolutely loved all your clothes!!! They smelled like tar-vomit-chili-sock, so I was confident that you would rather “take the money and walk” as they say, than keep them, and luckily the manager at Crusty didn’t even notice!!! See, I felt bad since all this happened while you were gone, so I figured I’d take the initiative with the selling, and, honestly, it wasn’t too much trouble at all, so don’t feel indebted or anything! You deserve every penny of that profit—don’t you dare try to give me a cut!!!

Basically, welcome back, enjoy your cake and your money, and I want to tell you again how glad I am that we’re roommates!!!

Love,
Your roommate


P.S. I was going to let you be surprised, but I can’t wait any longer! All I can say is go and look at your final painting for your oil painting class! The one that’s on your easel! I think you’re going to be more than pleasantly surprised with the changes I made and how I finished it for you!!!